Archive for the 'Humor' Category

True Life Chuckles

Misreading the Signals

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”   Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

 

Father of The Bribe

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”       My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”

“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”

“Two thousand.”

“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”

“Five thousand!”

We eloped to Spain      Mary Nichols, Arlington, Virginia

High Functioning Adult, eh?

Last week I responded to a text from my friend reminding her that she was dealing with a “high functioning” adult.  You can guess what happened after that; every ‘not so clever’ act I committed in the next 24 hours flashed a ‘High Functioning, eh?” echo in my brain.  My friend chuckled each time I shared these not so brilliant actions with her.  A lesson in humility that I obviously was in need of.

 



Ho HO HO

 Explaining Appetizers 

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer. That’s the food we eat before we have our food … No, no, you’re thinking of dessert. That’s food we eat after we have our food.” Jim Gaffigan

A Digital Dictionary

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”—Dave Barry

If You Stop Eating Doughnuts…

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.—Lewis Black

Psychics Down On Their Luck?

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?—Jay Leno

Highway Adoption

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?—Zach Galifianakis

A Diamond Key

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.—Joan Rivers

16 Feet Later

You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh, about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around three miles.”—Jerry Seinfeld



Another Time To Enjoy

A Light-bulb Moment

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.  Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, ?I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”  From guy-sports.com

A Kid With A Dream

For Martin Luther King Day, ?I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”

Jessica Castronovo, ?Manalapan, New Jersey

8 Days’ Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before ?replying, “Give me six Orthodox, ?12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

No Umbrellas at the North Pole?

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?

A: Because they are rain deer.

Oh, iGet It

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A: A pineapple.

Becoming more organized:
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.”

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.” — Mary I. Costain



Hee Hee Hee

I Like a Woman With…

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.-Steve Martin

When Life Hands You Lemons…

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.—Ron White

Sore Loser

Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.—Martina Navratilova

Ain’t That the Truth

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.—Julia Child

Also Known as a Smart Man

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.—Robert Frost

Toto, We’re Not in Cans Anymore…

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foil again!”  Submitted by Paul Stew

Warning Labels We can Really Use:

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does ?not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”    From gcfl.net



What Is Love

Dallas, Age 7

Love is when your mom makes a cup of coffee for your dad and she takes a sip of it before she gives it to him, to make sure it is okay.

Sue, Age 6

If you want to learn how to love better, you should start with someone you hate.

Donna, Age 6

My mommy loves me more than any one else. You don’t see anybody else kissing me good night when I go to bed.

Sandi, Age 8

When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over to paint her toenails anymore. So my granddad does it for her, even after he got arthritis, too. That’s love.

Jake, Age 6

Love is when a little old man and a little old woman are still friends, even after they know each other so well.

Children tell us what they think love is.

Dennis, Age 5

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on after shave and then they go out together and smell each other.

Georgia, Age 7

Love is when you tell a boy you like his shirt and then he wears it everyday.

Annie, Age 5

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.

Jackie, Age 4

Love is when your puppy licks your face even when you left him alone all day.

Joe, Age 7

Love is when daddy comes in all sweaty and smelly and mommy still tells him that he is handsomer than Robert Redford.

Jenny, Age 8

When I had my piano recital, I was on the stage and I was scared. I looked out at all the people looking at me. Then I saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that and I wasn’t sacred anymore.

Bruce, Age 8

Love is when you go out to dinner with someone and you give them most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.

Vanessa, Age 8

Children tell us what they think love is.

You really shouldn’t tell somebody that you love them unless you mean it. But if you do mean it, you should tell them a lot. People forget.

Marissa, Age 4

Love is when your older sister gives you all her old clothes because, then she has to go out and buy new ones.

Amy, Age 8

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then after you are tired of kissing, you still want to be with each other and you talk more. My daddy and mommy are like that. When they kiss, they look gross.

Andrea, Age 7

You know you love someone because your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.

Best for Last

Leo Buscaglia, author and lecturer, once judged a contest where they wanted to find the most caring child. He told this story:

A four year old lived next door to an elderly man who had recently lost his wife. One day, the boy saw his neighbor crying. He went over, climbed into the neighbor’s lap and just sat there. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had said to the man.

“Nothing,” he said. “I just helped him cry.”



Stretch Those Lips SMILE

Incumbent Imbecile

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”   James Landis, ?Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Names For Groups You Never Knew

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians

Speak Softly, Kick Gently

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.  Theodore Roosevelt

Right to Ignore

Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.  Bill Clinton

Friendly Competition…

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.   Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish

When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.   —Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so ?every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”Demetri Martin

Stewart Francis on Spelling

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.    Stewart Francis



Get Your Laughter Rolling

A Little Nuts About Love

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts”   —Contributed by Theodore Bologna

Check Out a Romance

I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”   —Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow

Sweet Nothings (.com)

My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a modem.”    —Contributed by Anne McConnel

Pastoral Passion

The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked.  —Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo

Irresistible Irony

About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my messages and discovered one from my ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”   —Contributed by Pat Patel

What About the Other Half?

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”

—Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

Tailor-Made Quips

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”  —John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri

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Time for Endorphin Release

The science behind the healing benefits of laughter and the Endorphin connection.

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What are My Options?

Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone.

Me: Siri, call my wife.

Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.

Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife.

Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.

Me: Call my wife.

Siri: Which wife?     T.  Gibbs, Visalia, California

No—I Prefer to Push

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?”

“Last night at 11:00,” I said.

“And the tires were on it then?”    J. Rice, Englewood, Florida

Taken For a Ride

From a passenger of the Vacaville, California, public bus company:

Dear Sir,
I would like to commend driver Lea ?Schroeder for the following reasons:
1. She frequently doesn’t stop for me when I’m waiting at the bus stop, but she always waves as she goes by.
2. If she’s running behind, she tells me, “Sit your butt down,” in a courteous way.
3. She nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week.
4. Although she usually gives me ?wrong instructions on which bus to ?take, I enjoy riding all around Vacaville on the different routes.
5. The way she suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead, and pulls several Gs of force when she turns corners unfailingly ?elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits.

Once again, I would like to commend Lea Schroeder for her outstanding work.

Sincerely yours,
Robert V.       From Lea Schroeder, Vacaville, California, a bus driver with a great sense of humor

Department of Manic Voices

The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the ?window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you crazy?”
She shook her head. “We call it job security.”   A. Cliburn, Van Nuys, California

Urine Trouble Now

An irate patient called our pathology group, demanding that I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …”

She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!”    —From gcfl.net



Our Time to Embrace the Humor of It All…

Never Going Away

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.

Noticing my surprise, the coach said, “That record will stand forever.”

I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, “We stopped holding that event years ago.”

Benchwarmer

It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. “Fellas,” he said, “I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game.”

The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.

Batter Up

I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat.

The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. “Could you read me the number?” he asked. “My vision’s not too good.”

My favorite latest sports humor catch phrase:  Hell has frozen over. The Cubs won.

 



Sharing a Smile

**********What An Ugly Duck…My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat ?circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”  Katie O’Connell, Warrenville, IL

**********No Such Thing As A Free Yacht….A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.

Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.            Eddie Edwards, Ripley, TN

*********Eye Candy…..On vacation my nine-year-old son, Ryan, and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing thong bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me.

When they got up to leave, Ryan watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered, “Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?”

**********Pizza Perils….A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:

Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread

Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!

Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/

*********New and Improved Names for Boring Everyday Things….

• Couch = People Shelf

• Books = Manual Films

• Bracelets = Clockless Watches

• Air Horn = Spray Scream

• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood

• Feather = Bird Leaf          From sliptalk.com

*********Good English…My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”               Ellen Israel, Alamo, CA

*****True Love Story*******

I was 24 years old when I moved to Long Beach, California, where my parents managed the Alberta Apartments. I arrived the day after Thanksgiving 1947, and while I was moving in, I ran into four girls from Montana who were also living there.

One of the girls immediately caught my eye, and I knew I had to introduce myself. Her name was Alice Conlon and she was on her way to the library to return a book.

Not wanting to let this opportunity pass me by, I fibbed and told her I’d been wanting to read the same book, and asked if I could join her. She agreed, and we stopped for a drink afterward. Before long, I knew she was the one for me!

Between the library and the bar, I’d picked up an alarm clock so I wouldn’t be late for my first day of work the next morning. It started to get late, so I set my new alarm for 30 minutes to remind me that I needed to leave the bar soon. Well, I set the alarm several more times; I just wasn’t ready to end our first date.

A year later we were married—on Thanksgiving Day. We enjoyed 56 wonderful years of marriage before the love of my life passed away in 2005. I miss her every day.

*************Enjoy the life you have created**********

 

 




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