Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Oh What Fun It Is To Laugh

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale

Bathrooms

JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Future

A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife

KIDS QUOTES

I Pledge Allegiance

Not quite getting it, the little first grader said, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”

Johnny, Age 4 on love:

When a person loves you, they say your name different. You just know your name is safe in their mouth

Andy, Age 7

Love is what is in the room on Christmas if you stop opening your presents and listen.

Chloe, Age 4

Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.

PEOPLE OF A CERTAIN AGE

“My memory is gone Mildred, so I changed my password
to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password,
the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect

These Great One Line Jokes are fast and funny. You might really enjoy the Random One-Liners where you get a new one liner joke time after time.

ONE LINERS

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it

Enjoy what you have and share the laughs.

 

 



Funny Bone Time

Awesome Champ

Mark Spitz a.k.a. Mark the Shark, Olympic champion swimmer, was famed for his large moustache in an era when every swimmer was shaving everything to become more hydrodynamic. He once jokingly said to the Russian team coach that his moustache helps him swim faster by deflecting water from his mouth and making him more bullet-shaped. The following year, a moustache was worn by every member of the (male) Russian team.

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AWWWW

Japan keeps a train station in operation in a small village to enable a single small girl to commute to school. The train goes only twice a day, when she goes to school and when she returns.

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And That’s A Fact, Jack

Norway has a town called “Hell”. It freezes over quite regularly.

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Ummm Good

Love is staying awake all night with either a sick child, or a healthy adult.

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Why not…

Always be yourself. Unless you can also be a unicorn. In that case, always be a unicorn.

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The Truth…

I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.

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Not True

Do you know why women weren’t allowed in space?

To avoid scenarios like: “Houston, we have a problem!”

“What is the problem?”

“Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

 

Enough……

More jokes at: http://www.short-funny.com/funniest-jokes-5.php#ixzz4JSMrt0Eh



I Am Cracking Up

Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.

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I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing windows.

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“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”

“That will be the paper jamming again!”

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What would you call the child of a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.

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The struggle is real for the ferret – if a female ferret in heat doesn’t find a mate, she can die.

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In the USA, there are more Chinese restaurants than all the McDonald’s, KFCs, Burger Kings and Wendy’s put together.

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A 12-year-old girl from Ethiopia was kidnapped by four men on her way from school. A week later the whole group was accosted by three lions who chased the men away and stayed with the girl without harming her, only leaving when the police arrived, looking for her.

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Funny town names:
Shitterton, England
Hell, Michigan
Why, Arizona
Whynot, Mississippi
Bastardstown, Ireland
Batman, Turkey (at one point, they threatened to sue Warner Bros)
Beaverlick, Kentucky
Bitchfield, England
Boring, Oregon (became a twin city with Dull, Scotland)
Bra, Italy
Catbrain, England
Cockburn Town, Turks and Calcos Islands
Cocks, Cornwall
Condom, France
Dicktown, New Jersey
Embarrass, Minnesota
Cut and Shoot, Texas
Faggot Hill, Massachusett

Hey they say that these are for real.

Until we meet again keep that beautiful smile lighting up your world.

 

More jokes at: http://www.short-funny.com



Laugh Out Loud

Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.

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A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

[If you actually read the number Please post your profession….]

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Her:  Daddy did you know that girls are smarter than boys?

Dad:  No, I didn’t know that.

Her:  There you go.

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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

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A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

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I would really like to beef up my self-esteem a bit, but I don’t deserve it.

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We have all done this, I am sure, I think so, well possible some haven’t done it;

That moment when you check your time on your phone and have to check again 10 seconds later because you weren’t paying attention the first time.

 

Enjoy

More jokes at: http://www.short-funny.com/clean-jokes.



It’s So Fun

Untangling Earbuds Is The New…

On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished a cardigan by now.—Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com

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The Key To Eating Healthy…

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.—Comedian Mike Birbiglia

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Bark-alaureate of Fine Arts

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.—@SCbchbum

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Luke

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Luke.

Luke who?

Luke through the keyhole to see!

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PRESIDENTIAL BURNS

Reagan:   On August 11, 1984, President Ronald Reagan was conducting a sound check for a radio program. “My fellow Americans,” he said, “I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” The joke was on him: The microphone was live and the entire world heard his words. Thus began National Presidential Joke day.

Reagan: Politics is suppose to be the second oldest profession…and I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Why do Americans Chose from just 2 people for president and 50 for Miss America? (of course during our primary season there can be 50+)

Will Rogers: The trouble with practical jokes is very often they get elected! (No reference to the 2016 candidates)

President John Adams:  In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, three or more is a congress.

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REDUNDANT WORDS

PIN number=Personal Identification Number number

ATM machine=Automatic Teller Machine machine

LCD display=Liquid Crystal Display display



7 Belly Laughs

Dog Mom Is Always Right

“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom   Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

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The Paradox of Grown-Ups

I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey**********

The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”

The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”

The case was dismissed.    Helen Reynolds, Missoula, Montana **********

The Worst Page in The Dictionary

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet ******

Mazel Tov, Mary!

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.   Andy Horowitz ***

“Dad?”

“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano Sam Grittner*******

Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:

• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)

• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)

• References: “My landscaper.” (A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)

• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)

• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)

From resumania.com and Robert Half



Too Unbelievable

True True True

PLOTTING YOUR AFTERLIFE; Classified ad: “For sale  cemetery plot, $200 so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”

Modesto CA Herald: “Mrs.____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy and suffered painful injuries”

Ohio Paper:  When a soldier came to the clinic, where I work, for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician.  Sometime later, when the exam was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman.  The soldier quizzically asked, “How long was I in there?”  J.K. NOVIA SCOTIA

When a 4 yr old was given this definition of a hipster:  Someone who will wear something just to look different, often buys clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses their next question was, “Is Grandma a hipster?”  E.S. Woodland, CA

For you who are there and you who might get there:

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony.  ” You know you’re past your prime,” she said, “when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.” 

Now, Go Do the Right Thing.



Let ‘er Roar

Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne

How Russian Tour Guides See America

Here’s a guide to American ?culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:

“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”

“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”

“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, ?and no more.”  Source: Mental Floss

The Smell of Delta

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”

“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer

“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge

“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King

“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali

“Mist Connection” —Cary Berkowitz

“The 99 Per-scent” —Julia Flagg

Planedemonium

The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved ?reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?” Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma

No Emergency Exits, Thanks

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I explained, “The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.” Col. David Jessop (Ret.), Rineyville, Kentucky

Keep the chuckles going….



Time to Indulge

No Such Thing As A Free Yacht

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that ?he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.

Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with ?32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.   Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee

 

My Sword of Employer

The black lacquer stand ?holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as ?before but with this appended to ?his note: “Nice swords.”  Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

 

My Kids Don’t Know What I Do

I’ve been working on my PhD ?in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get ?a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”  Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

 

Zebra looking at a piano—-“Dad?”

All the stories are true except the talking Zebra.

Enjoy your wonderful day.



Really??

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”    Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

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I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re Better Than Me

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When Siri Slips

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.” John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

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A Wee Little Triumph

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can go to Harvard!” Jan and Jack McCloskey, San Francisco, California

 

Enjoy the healing, uplifting, realigning belly laughs.




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