Ho HO HO

 Explaining Appetizers 

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer. That’s the food we eat before we have our food … No, no, you’re thinking of dessert. That’s food we eat after we have our food.” Jim Gaffigan

A Digital Dictionary

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”—Dave Barry

If You Stop Eating Doughnuts…

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.—Lewis Black

Psychics Down On Their Luck?

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?—Jay Leno

Highway Adoption

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?—Zach Galifianakis

A Diamond Key

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.—Joan Rivers

16 Feet Later

You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh, about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around three miles.”—Jerry Seinfeld




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