Stretch Those Lips SMILE

Incumbent Imbecile

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”   James Landis, ?Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Names For Groups You Never Knew

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians

Speak Softly, Kick Gently

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.  Theodore Roosevelt

Right to Ignore

Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.  Bill Clinton

Friendly Competition…

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.   Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish

When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.   —Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so ?every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”Demetri Martin

Stewart Francis on Spelling

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.    Stewart Francis




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